Life: Jesus is dead, tell him to leave me alone

Before we go any further, I will be discussing religion and I will say things that will upset most of my family and friends.

If you do not want to keep reading, I understand.

You don't need to pray for me. I'm not worried about my soul. You might be. That's something we'll have to live with. This is the story of how I left the LDS faith and God.

A little more than three years ago, my younger brother, Ben and his best friend, Alex were seniors in high school. Until I graduated high school and moved away from home, Ben and I had never spent more than two weeks away. He was my best friend, my little/big brother and my biggest supporter.

Our whole lives we shared pretty much everything--rooms, friends, toys and family. Seriously, people thought we were twins until they saw me bossing Ben around.

It was a Saturday morning, much like any other my freshman year, I woke up at Amber's house. I played with the kids and got ready to go to work later that afternoon. Ava called me around 10 a.m. I could hear instantly that something that was wrong. She told me Alex had died.

My reaction was so strong the world felt physically different. I sat on the bed wondering how the world could move forward without Alex in it. I called my mom.

"Mom," I whispered. My throat was hoarse, my eyes watering. "Alex died."

"Does Ben know?," Mom asked. "You should call Ben."

I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive my mother for asking me to make this call. I was shaking. I was crying. I could barely speak.

"Ben," I said. "Alex died."

I cried for hours. I cried so hard my niece and nephew tried to comfort me. I could barley explain to Amber what had happened. I cried so hard, my body hurt. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, I couldn't think.

Then I did what I had always been taught to do. I prayed. I kneeled down on the floor and I talked to God. I asked why Alex died, I asked why death existed, I asked why it hurt so much, I asked out loud all the questions I had been asking silently.

And I heard nothing.

There was no voice from above, there was no feeling of comfort. There was me, alone, in a bare bedroom.

I went to Alex's funeral. I comforted Ben as best as I could. I tried to comfort Alex's parents. And I continued to question God, religion and my beliefs. I asked everyone who would talk to me about their beliefs. I researched online and I read everything I could find about God, religion and belief systems.

I found exmormon.org and Atheists of Utah. I want to be clear: I spent a year calling myself agnostic and spiritual. After realizing I didn't believe the LDS religion to be "the one true church," I changed my mind about God. I now believe God, Jesus and Joseph Smith are myths. Ben, as an LDS missionary, strongly disagrees with me.

I think it's fair to say, I'm atheist. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm frustrated. I want to know why religion matters so much. Many of my family members have wondered how I can still be happy without religion.

Ignoring how much that question bothers me, let me tell you. The purpose of my life is to live. I want to live my life everyday in a way that makes me proud to say, "I'm Krista Mae Smith and I'm amazing." This means I have morals. I believe in truth, honesty, openness, kindness and empathy. And believing in truth is a big part of being a skeptical atheist humanist. This means I doubt claims until they are proven true. This means that science is pretty awesome. This means the natural world is beautiful. And the humanist bit means I believe in the goodness of the people around me.

I'm happy because I try everyday to focus on the here and now and loving every moment in my life. Less in big ideas and more in the day-to-day. This means I love clothes, cocktails and books. This means I avoid angry people, shopping and long lines.

I've thought about religion. I don't want to convert you to atheism. I wouldn't wish the process of losing faith on anyone. I'm telling you this story because I want you to understand who I am now and in some small way how I got here. I won't try to convert you, please don't try to convert me.

Jesus is dead, tell him to leave me alone.